Washing off the Pane of Loneliness

Today began, with silver streaks of the sun, rather late for this cowgirl. I had a Saturday of unmet plans and streaked windows. The day was cool and the air felt free, I felt free, the freedom makes me thankful and ashamed of myself for not being a fighter. I contemplated on this whole fighting contradiction. As I reflected I came up with some very positive thoughts. If we’re not all made to be on the battlefield then what’s to stop us from fighting for and trying even harder in life to achieve our goals? I may not be able to fight on the battlefield but I can make a damn good pot of coffee, I can knit scarves, bake a peach pie like nobody’s business and lots of other things. I’m a fighter for life. You are too, what do you enjoy doing?

While I was busy scraping and washing window panes today, I thought on life and all the different directions I could take. Well, I begin a new job on Monday and am looking for growth through my work. It’s a CSR position and I’ve never worked a desk job before so it will be different.  Honestly, I’m really excited! Till then though I’m just lost in the sad shuffle of my loneliness. Since my boo left it’s been harder and harder not to cry. Not to just melt when I hear his favorite song or think of him kissing me. A long passionate kiss.

This loneliness is unexpected, unimaginable, unquenchable, disproportionate and solitary. It’s like my heart is being drained and the only one who can pump the blood back in is gone. So, I’ll just stay and wait with my empty heart in my lap. The wrenching in my heart for him is throwing me into a slow stupor and unreal rhythm. Like the inside of my heart and the direction of my life has been sucked out of me.

My direction seems unsteady and wavering with every late phone call—a minute too short. Not enough time, duty calls. I’m waiting for the part when “us” is more than U.S. I’m waiting for his people to meet my people. I’m waiting for that sunset of love that captures the sky and fuses our hearts together with that one everlasting promise of love.

A promise that never falters or seeks another. a promise that glistens with every step of your shined boots.

God willing, it will come, sooner than later.


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