In Retrospect-Veni. Vidi. Vici

I stared at the folded flannel you’d left tucked under my pillow and my body shook with tears.

My family and I had dropped you off at the hotel closest to the airport hours ago. I had cried the whole way home. When you had kissed me that last time you left me a promise you’d be home. I didn’t wash the flannel for days because it was the last scent I had of you. Scents calm the weary heart.

Our love story started on April 1st. The evening was hazy and held an air of promise. My love would finally walk into my heart. We met on his birthday. Previously, I had planned it all ahead, candles and homemade cake. The cake was a fabulous three-layer chocolate cake. The room was growing golden in the hazy sunset as you rapped on my front door. Little did you know that indeed that door was not in use. Your muscular silhouette outlined my door as a grasped the knob with the excitement of a teenage girl at prom.  How your eyes reflected light with a color like the sea on a rainy day.

The next months I spent with you were like a new horizon to my life. You had opened up new pathways for me by believing in me. You gave me a new way of thinking. I learned what MMA fighting was. I went to my first shooting range and actually shot a gun. We had coffee at my favorite coffee shop.

We loved like crazy for those months. Learning about each other. Carving out our pasts and our dreams to each other, like a finely carved wooden chair. One night when we were watching a historical Polish war film it started pouring cats and dogs outside. A thick web of angels tears streaked my windows. And you had left your truck windows down. So, racing outside in your yellow windbreaker, looking like a fisherman out to sea, you cranked your window handles up and raced back.

You started packing two weeks before you left. Each night you left my house a little later. Spending those last nights together we kindled our love. A love like the light in the tabernacle, always burning.

Throughout the days after you left the angel tears streaking my window soon streaked my face. The strength I gained from your belief in me has just intensified as I’ve learned to spread my wings and fly alone. That’s all I can do just believe¬†you’ll be back.

After a week of slow mourning I began picking up old hobbies that I had shoved under the rug. water coloring, crocheting and writing poetry. I picked a walking trail around town I walk nearly everyday. His absence had left my heart withered but I found the path back to my life before him. It is hard I won’t say its not but you just have to pick yourself up and start over–alone. All alone, you have to find you path, your direction.

Honestly, from my experience, deployment is the biggest struggle you’ll probably ever face. But then you realize its slipping through your calendar like the sand slipping through your fingers.

Making goals for yourself to bloom spiritually, mentally and physically have been the threshold of my growth. Joining support groups on social media has helped with the stress of him being gone. I read other women’s stories of their triumphs and struggles during deployments. We all support each other and it gets more bearable.

I have began working out and literally molding myself into a lean and healthier person. I was shooting for 6-packs but I’m not sure that’s going to happen. I have always wanted six packs if only for a week that would be amazing!

As mentioned previously in my blog I want to visit Vermont and begin my travel blogging career there. I also want to move into my own apartment and get a puppy. My academic pursuits have been successful with the completion of my associate’s degree. Soon I will begin the pursuit of my bachelors degree.

Spiritually I am striving to be better, I’m by no means perfect but better. The Lord has given me more than I deserve and I am forever thankful for that. Every morning I try to read the Bible, which has been a great comfort for my soul. This time away from my love has only strengthened my cardinal virtues, such as patience and fortitude. With so little communication our relationship demands an equivocal amount of patience, certainty with speech and endurance.

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This is a bit of my journey so far on the long road of deployment. I hope if my readers are experiencing deployment woes they can find some comfort or at least consolation in this post. For now my readers have a blessed day and keep believing that everything will be ok in the end.

 

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